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I know I technically should have a title, but I don't have a picture to illustrate this, and I don't remember if the last time I did something like this I had one, so have a nice entry of Mature Musings with mostly text.

I recently ended up seeing a trailer for another video game turned into a movie. And this one is in live-action, making it even less worthy of adaptation. We're talking about Rampage, a game that basically had the objective of "you're a giant monster, smash everything, eat stuff." It was very memorable, but for some reason, all the boys crowded around the Player 2 side.

There's a reason for that, though. Player 2 controlled Lizzie, a giant reptile that was like Godzilla. All the monsters in this game were, in fact, humans turned into these creatures, and when your health hit zero, they detransformed back into a human. A naked human. One who covers their privates with their arms and scuttles away. Lizzie, of course, was the girl, so she ended up being very popular.

The movie, I guarantee, might not have a scene like that. At least, not due to the original intent. See, all the monsters have been changed from transformed humans into giant versions of the animal in question, with George a transformed gorilla, Ralph a massive wolf, and Lizzie a giant crocodile. Since they will of course not revert back into anything other than an ordinary-size animal, this is either an act of Hollywood thinking they know better than "some stupid game designer", or an act of cowardice to get rid of the naked girl.

Oh, but I know Hollywood. Hollywood movies like these tend to have brief hints at existing material without actually honoring it, like the Finster, Squatt and Baboo toys in the Power Rangers movie when they don't appear, and Superman being referred to by that name exactly once before that name is called ridiculous, or Wolverine being chided for wanting yellow spandex instead of boring black leather. So of course there's going to be a nude woman covering in there, but it will not be for comedy like the original game; of course it's going to be played for sexiness, because the female body is, according to Hollywood, "inherently sexual" and can only be used to entice people who are not gamers to watch the movie just for the possibilty of getting whacked to it.

So, you've basically taken two problems Hollywood suffers from and combined them into a tragedy of global proportions. Needless to say, Hollywood will not get any of my money.

Don't be the product, buy the product!

Schweinderl